Stop the Silence

My heart is so heavy after hearing about the suicide of Robin Williams. He was a brilliant actor who made people laugh but he held a secret of a life where he battled depression. It just confirms the fact that no one is immune from Depression. What kills me is that people feel they must live with that secret and feel shame for being depressed or having a mental illness. I refuse to be one of those people. I have had people tell me that I share too much. That maybe I shouldn't tell people what my family is going through and protect my children. My children are protected. I do not share everything that is happening in their lives nor do I feel that we should live in shame. A few select individuals that I feel I can trust know everything.  How is it any different then having cancer or diabetes or lupus? It is an illness.
When my husband and I became parents to our children, we knew in advance the odds of having children with special needs. It is what we feel God called us too. We were the family that chose to check off the boxes on our adoption application that we would accept minority children that were exposed to drugs and alcohol. Did you know that African American males are the hardest to find homes for? God calls us to care for and protect the orphans(Psalm 82:3) I know adoption is not for everyone nor is adopting special needs children for everyone. I get that, but we are ALL called to care for orphans. We are called to pray for them, clothe them, feed them, and support other families adoptions There are so many things that can be done to care for these orphans. I'm choosing to be a voice in addition to having adopted 3 children. A voice of truth that is fighting to break this stigma. My children didn't chose to be born addicted to drugs and alcohol. Nor did they chose to have the obstacles that they must fight everyday. Its not something that they must be ashamed of. God has huge plans for their lives and will use all of this for His glory.
My oldest son has Aspergers. It has been an obstacle that we have worked through together. We talk openly about it. He knows that he is rigid in his ways and can be withdrawn at times but there is no shame in that. He recently had a classmate who also has it and it helped him to be able to talk to the kid about it. He is open with his friends about it. Its not something he has to hide. He isn't defective. He is a handsome young obnoxious teenager like any other teen who has a disability that isn't always seen by the naked eye. He is a young man that will not say I love you but he shows his love in other ways. When he is teasing me and giving me a hard time I know that is his way of saying he loves me. His confidence is stronger because he doesn't have to hide and be ashamed. That's not to say that it isn't a struggle at times and he can come across as very rude to people but he doesn't have the additional burden of shame.
I bring this all up to say, we have nothing to hide. I pray that my openness with our families experiences with mental illness and other special needs will help others to be more open and to stop the stigma. Ive reached out for help for my family and advocated for our needs and some have stepped up and helped. Others just turn their heads away and that's ok. Some people don't know how to help, don't know what to say, are just confused. Its ok to ask me how my children are. Its ok to say I don't know what to do or say. Just knowing you are there and care means that world and I know we aren't alone. Silence makes us feel alone. Lets stop the silence.

Reys Beginning

As I look over at my son I am amazed at the young man I see before me. The faint lines of a mustache have appeared on his upper lip and his chest & arms have become more defined with muscles. When did my sons voice change? Its like it changed to a deep mans voice from a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice overnight. It brings tears to my eyes as I reflect on the past 12 years. Reynaldo came to us in May of 2001 as a foster child at 9 months of age. We were his 4th placement in his young life. He was removed from a foster home where he sat in a bouncy seat all day with zero stimulation. I remember thinking that he resembled a rag doll with blank eyes. There was no expression and he didn't cry. You could see the disconnection right away although I didn't have a name for it but in my Mommy's gut I knew something was off.

Right from the start we loved on him and got early intervention for him to address his hypotonic muscle tone and already noted emotional and attachment issues. It saddens me as I realize that all of his disabilities were present at such a young age.  Reynaldo's birth mother admitted to drinking and using cocaine and marijuana throughout her entire pregnancy. She didn't have any prenatal care. When he was born a month early he suffered through withdrawal with the tremors and was given phenobarbital. 

This child beat the odds and survived through all of that but was left with the lasting effects of brain damage from the alcohol crossing the placenta barrier. He was left with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (moderate) and Reactive attachment disorder. His mother never emotionally attached with him while he was in the womb. Babies sense and know while they are in the womb if the mother is attached. That is when their hard wiring is developing. Follow this lack of attachment with being moved around to four different places during the first nine months of his life and you can understand why there is a serious attachment issue. Ill write about that more lately. Just wanted to give you a glimpse of Rey's beginnings.